John Bowlby’s work on attachment theory dates back to the 1950’s. Based on his theory, attachment styles developed in early childhood are influenced by how we bond with our parents. This first and most important relationship of our lives naturally sets the “blueprint” for how we perceive all relationships as we mature. Your attachment style does not explain everything about your relationships, but it will give you a great deal of insight into why your close relationships succeed or failed in the manner they did, why you are attracted to the people your attracted to, why you pick the same partners over and over and the nature of the relationship problems that come up again and again.
The four adult attachment styles are:
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Disorganized
Attachment styles develop early in life and often remain stable over time. People with insecure attachment styles might have to put some intentional effort into resolving their attachment issues, in order to become securely attached. What are attachment styles and how do they affect our relationships? Since we are wired for connection it is human nature to seek contact and relationships, to seek love, support, and comfort in others. In fact, the ‘need to belong’ is one of the main forces that drives us as humans. From an evolutionary perspective, cultivating strong relationships and maintaining them has both survival and reproductive advantages. After all, most of us do ‘need to belong’ and do want closeness and intimacy in our lives. Yet, love and relationships are rarely as perfect and problem free as we would like them to be. Have you noticed repeating patterns in your love life?Maybe you have never really thought about or analyzed your behavior in relationships. Still, you might have noticed repeating patterns in your love life. Have you wondered why you keep ending up in the same situation, even with different partners?Do you get too clingy or jealous? Or do you always seem to be more involved than your partner? Maybe you want to be with someone, but as soon as things get emotionally intimate, you back off?
If you have noticed a pattern of unhealthy and emotionally challenging behaviors in your love life, you might benefit from digging deep and exploring the way you attach to people in intimate relationships. Here is where knowing about attachment theory comes in handy. What is attachment theory? Attachment theory has a long history and has been used as a basis for continuous research. The first step is to get acquainted with the basics and understand the different attachment styles.According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, one’s relationship with their parents during childhood has an overarching influence on their social and intimate relationships in the future.
Each one of the four attachment styles has its typical traits and characteristics. Yet, a person does not necessarily fit 100% into a single category: you may not match ‘the profile’ exactly.The point of self-analysis is to identify unhealthy behaviors and understand what you might need to work on in order to improve your love life. So, let’s get to it! How does each of the four attachment styles manifest in adults?
Before getting into what characterizes the four groups, it might be useful to point out how attachment styles develop in children. How do attachment styles develop in early childhood? The behavior of the primary caregivers contributes to and forms the way a child perceives close relationships. The child is dependent on his or her caregivers and seeks comfort, soothing, and support from them. If the child’s physical and emotional needs are satisfied, he or she becomes securely attached. However, this requires that the caregivers offer a warm and caring environment and are attuned to the child’s needs, even when these needs are not clearly expressed. On the other hand, misattunement on the side of the parent, is likely to lead to insecure attachment in their children.Each one of the four attachment styles has its typical traits and characteristics. Yet, a person does not necessarily fit 100% into a single category: you may not match ‘the profile’ exactly. The point of self-analysis is to identify unhealthy behaviors and understand what you might need to work on in order to improve your love life. So, let’s get to it! How does each of the four attachment styles manifest in adults?
1. Anxious Attachment
For adults with an anxious attachment style, the partner is often the ‘better half.’ The thought of living without the partner or being alone causes high levels of anxiety. People with this type of attachment typically have a negative self-image, while having a positive view of others. The anxious adult often seeks approval, support, and responsiveness from their partner. People with this attachment style value their relationships highly, but are often anxious and worried that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are. A strong fear of abandonment is present, and safety is a priority. The attention, care, and responsiveness of the partner appears to be the ‘remedy’ for anxiety. On the other hand, the absence of support and intimacy can lead the anxious preoccupied type to become more clinging and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for love.
2. Avoidant Attachment
The dismissive/avoidant type would often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level. The dismissive avoidant type tend to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete. They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds. Adults with this attachment style generally avoid emotional closeness. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation.
3. Disorganized Attachment
The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds. For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. Fearful avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, experience troubles trusting and depending on others. They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.
4. Secure Attachment
Adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partners and in turn, let their partners rely on them. Relationships are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness.The secure attachment type thrive in their relationships, but also don’t fear being on their own. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners, and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others.
The good news is that it is possible to change your attachment style and create a more secure attachment. The fact that you are reading this article and gaining awareness is the first step toward change. Therapy can help alter the attachment style because good therapy in itself offers a secure attachment with the therapist. Therapy can help a person identify the filter they see the world through, challenge their critical inner voice and the defenses they formed to deal with emotional pain in their earliest relationships. Ultimately, therapy can help make sense of your life, understand your past to liberate your present and empower your future.
Click here and take the attachment quiz.